Ep 140: Help! My spouse isn't on board with my VISION
Being married and not aligned when it comes to career choice and future vision is a bad place to be. And, I don't say that from the outside looking in. I say that from experience. I understand what it's like to be so misaligned that you feel as if you're coming to an unfulfilling crossroads of your marriage or the vision you see for yourself. Having been to that place and now back to a place that looks fully aligned, took some hard, marriage threating lessons learned, but knowing the success keys on alignment will literally save your marriage on this #biggerimpact journey.
In this episode, we'll talk about...
How to recognize signs that the two of you aren't aligned
The success keys to getting your vision recognized and supported
What to do with a spouse that's unwilling to "work together"
On more than one occasion I've had people ask me about spouses as it relates to entrepreneurship and it's usually women's saying, "Is your husband on board with this? How do you deal with your husband when you've got this vision? Like what if he's not on board? How do you deal with it?" And I always give them an answer that is personal for me, but it comes from experiences. When I think back to my first business, the catering business that I had some years ago now, I experienced what it was like to be married but not be on the same page with your spouse when it came to entrepreneurship and this vision that I saw for myself and I just recall when I was doing my catering business, it was intensive. It was super intensive in terms of time, in terms of manual labor and I was doing it all while still working a full-time job. I had young kids and in fact, at the time I had my oldest who was probably about two, maybe three years old, I recall going to cater for a festival and it was literally maybe four weeks after I had got out of the hospital delivering my second child. So that just gives you a picture of how chaotic life was. There are lots of things going on and I was really pushing on my entrepreneurship journey because at the time I was thinking, "All right, again, I don't want to work my 9-to-5 life, catering is the thing that I want to do. That's where I was.
And so I had pushed forward and I went all-in on my vision. I would spend weekends at festivals and hustling to get contracts to cater for different companies. And all the while I was doing this and pushing forward on my vision, it was pushing me further apart from my husband. And there were a lot of things that we experienced because Candace went off on her, what she saw for herself and what she wanted for herself and ultimately wanted for the family. But what he wanted wasn't really in my consideration space. I was more in the headspace of, "Well this is my vision, this is what I want. You got to do what you want to get where you want to go" that type of thing. And trust me, I believe that completely to the 100th degree. But the thing that I was missing is the fact that I was on a journey with more than just me. It was not just me. There was me, there was my husband, there were our two kids at the time and all I was thinking about was me. And quite frankly it was fairly selfish. I didn't think or consider what he wanted and how my vision would coincide with his vision and how we would go forward together. It was all about me.
So when I hear people talk about, "My spouse isn't on board with my vision" the first thing that pops in my mind is, "Do you understand the vision that he has for his life? And have you all talked about how his vision and your vision come together and where they intersect and where you see yourselves together before you go off apart?" And a lot of times the answer is no, not really. He's not as driven as I am or he's happy where he's at. And I want to go and do X, Y, and Z. Very, very, very common. Now to take some time and say, "What do you want Dear?" is well worth the time and energy spent. If you're finding yourself arguing about the fact that you need to stay up late and get this done, or you don't have time to go make dinner because you need to go do X, Y, Z thing for your business, and there's an argument about it, there's resentment about it, silent treatment, passive-aggressiveness, whatever it is. You know, you've got misalignment going on. And I really don't even have to say that. You can sense when there is misalignment happening between you and your spouse and the vision that you have for yourself.
"You can sense when there is misalignment happening between you and your spouse and the vision that you have for yourself." (Click to tweet)
So my recommendation is this: If you find yourself misaligned, sit down, find some quiet time. I don't care if that's in the evening after the kids have gone to bed. I don't care if you get a babysitter and you decide to go out to eat somewhere, whatever you decide to do, get some alone time and spend some good time sharing your visions together. So not just your vision, because I am sure you have told your vision to your spouse to death, right? You probably talk about it all the time. You talk about what you want to do and in fact, and I'm saying it because I've been guilty myself, have been here, you probably are so used to talking about your vision. You haven't given him a chance to talk or her a chance to talk about what it is that they want, what it is they desire. And even if it appears to you that they don't want anything, I guarantee you there is still something that they picture for their life and that's important to listen to. So take that time to sit down and do some visioning together. Because once you've got a vision together and you both have shared what your vision is and you've found where they intersect together, it is much easier to then go and say, "Alright, you go do you, I go do me. We know how we intersect and we can support each other because we know where we're going. We know where we're going to end up together."
"If you find yourself misaligned, sit down, find some quiet time." (Click to tweet)
"Even if it appears to you that they don't want anything, I guarantee you there is still something that they picture for their life and that's important to listen to." (Click to tweet)
Now, if by chance you're dealing with a spouse that's unwilling to work together, you have got a whole another situation on your hands. Here is when your own discernment needs to kick in, right on, on how far to go, how willing is a spouse, what's that strength of your relationship? But what I challenge you to do is really invest that time and understanding each other's vision and use that as your jumping point to go farther. I can guarantee you, if your spouse is willing, then you will see a change and being on board with the things that you want to do in your business and the life that you see.